from existential crisis to found family and back
2021 has been an excruciatingly long year. The pandemic is far from over and I’m still here trying to sort my life out. A cross country move, a stretch in less than desirable living conditions, and adjusting to whatever the hell “normal” is. There’s been a silver lining in the incredible friends I have. The ones I’ve known for ages along with those I’ve been fortunate to meet through writing and podcasting. I’ve taken a few licks over the course of this year, but my friends did more than stop the bleeding. With everything going on, I’ve had considerably less time for games and anime. However, what I have interacted with this year resonates with these feelings in one way or another.
In May, I was staring down the barrel of an undesired, but necessary cross country move back home. I was incredibly depressed. All I could do some days was sleep, eat, and go back to sleep. Wound up in my covers like a depressed burrito, I scrolled through Netflix. What else was I going to do?
After a bit, I decided to give JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure another go. The last time I had seen any of the series was as the first season aired in 2012. The combination of legally distinct character names and an overzealous fervor around the series put it on the “eventually, but not anytime soon”-watch priority for me. This time, the “I’m depressed and need something to drown out the brain noise”-watch priority said “we’re watching this now”. While Phantom Blood and Battle Tendency were entertaining, Stardust Crusaders had me buckled into the crazy train with my arms and legs remaining in the carriage at all times.
The pacing of Crusaders gets bogged down by working meticulously though its MOMA exhibit of one-off villains. However, the escalating shticks of these weirdos made them so memorable that I don’t quite mind that they slightly overstay their welcome. The encounter with Steely Dan comes to mind. Watching Kakyoin and Polnareff using their Stands to perform brain surgery on a screaming Joseph while surrounded by a crowd in front of an electronics store is as nutty, amusing, and exhilarating as it sounds.
Seeing the Crusaders fight their way through these situations on the way to confronting DIO, reminds me of Dragon Quest. Both see the main character bringing together a party of strong allies to fight a big bad. Though, the penultimate confrontation isn’t the point, but rather the times you share with your party along the way. Like when you randomly watch a few episodes of Diamond is Unbreakable with a friend just to share that time together, not for any grand reason past that. This vibe carries on through what I have seen of Diamond and the first part of Stone Ocean.
We were skipping parts a little there, but Crusaders helped with getting me out of bed to start packing. Weekly discord calls with friends assisted in that too, even if we occasionally watched Gundam Seed Destiny.
In-between packing and learning about Nicol, who played the piano, I was unexpectedly floored by a series I was previously unaware of: Dear Brother.
My first impression was one of “how was this made on an early 90’s TV anime budget?”. My question was quickly answered with a name: Osamu Dezaki. Dezaki’s direction on works such as Tomorrow’s Joe, Aim for the Ace, and Space Adventure Cobra is legendary. From frame one of Dear Brother, you can tell the series was crafted by a team led by creative minds at the top of their game. Each episode feels like a film in its own right. No penny was carelessly spent on any frame. From the director’s signature “postcard” shots to the use of studio lights to enhance the lighting’s mood, it’s an unmistakable masterwork.
An adaptation of Riyoko Ikeda’s original manga, Dear Brother deals with intense subject matter. What most western viewers may compare to Mean Girls at first glance, soon turns into an escalating saga of emotional abuse, depression, and surviving the two-faced. That said, if you wish to approach it, be aware that Dear Brother is a show that pulls no punches with its mediations on suicide and self harm. Special recognition should be given to Discotek Media for making light of this at the beginning of their Blu-ray release, providing information for those in need of help as well.
I made my way through the first third of the series before selling my old television. Dear Brother is a series I plan to finish sometime in 2022, but I was so impressed that I couldn’t help but mention it here.
With that television sold, my parents lent me a tiny one to use while I finished packing and cleaning out my apartment. My apartment was almost empty by this point; it became fitting that the last game I played in that apartment was Nier Replicant. Its world is a similarly desolate landscape. Warm, even inviting despite how cold and cruel it often is.
This warmth emanated from a few corners of Nier’s world. I saw the game’s numerous simple fetch quests not as tedious, but as a way to interact with the communities you come across. Something I wasn’t getting in real life, nor was too crazy about (and still am not) given the pandemic. A few specific denizen’s of Nier’s world emerge from my mind forest: The friendly elderly fisherman on the pier, the overwhelmed mother screaming at you for more mutton, and the found family that make up its main cast.
Kaine and Emil are outsiders to their world, not welcomed into any community until Nier comes into their lives. While they don’t all get off on the right foot, Kaine especially, they become a family that loves each other for who they are. Who they aren’t doesn’t matter. They protect each other even if it means they have to sacrifice everything. Like Dear Brother, Nier Replicant is a title I intend to finish in 2022. Unfortunately, I’ve been able to play it very little since finishing my move.
Speaking of which, after hopping a plane back to my home state, I wasn’t able to do much of anything for the next couple of months. It wasn’t great, but you can read about that (and my Chainsaw Man binge) here.
In August, I’m finally settling in my new home. The renovations aren’t done just yet and I’m sleeping on an air mattress for a few weeks. It sure beats a couch bed with springs digging into my back though. It’s humorous that on my third evening in this new home that I was so… impacted by Evangelion 3.0+1.0: Thrice Upon a Time.
From my first viewing of Neon Genesis Evangelion in 2019, I’ve saw much of myself in Shinji Ikari, and by extension, Hideaki Anno to a degree. The low self-esteem, depression, anxiety… wanting to be liked by people. It’s been too real from the start. End of Evangelion was cathartic. It was akin to the brief clarity that comes when you detach from yourself after an anxiety attack. Though in that case you soon realize you don’t have the tools to cope properly if it happens again. Evangelion 3.33: You Can (Not) Redo, is the next attack’s aftermath and it carries more weight than you initially thought.
Thrice Upon a Time, is making peace with that and doing your best to move forward. Yes, you’re still going to have those rough days and it’s going to take time for you to be ready to make that next step, but it is better than staying stuck in place. To say it touched some particularly tender spots for me would be an understatement. I did cry at least three times throughout its two and a half hour runtime after all. Evangelion is a series I may want to revisit in the future for something a bit more in depth. I have so many feelings tied into the series. The last couple of years have provided more than few third impact style events in my life.
It’s October. I’ve been getting in the swing of a new retail job. It’s nothing amazing, but at least I’m making some money without the stress of my previous gig. Knowing the renovations are mostly done is a great relief on top of that. Having fallen in with some other folks who write about anime on occasion, our discussions remind me of a series that became emblematic of my college years: The Tatami Galaxy.
I originally saw the series during the last semester of my fifth, and final year of college. I watched it huddled in my tiny bed, in my dark, tiny dorm room. That was an incredibly dark year for me. I had spent these five years pursuing a degree that I had great contempt for by the end. Additionally, my personal life was tied up in my education as well. It made things significantly more painful. I spent so much time thinking about how I would redo everything or forgo college altogether. However, I did find myself incredibly grateful for the small circle of close friends that got me through that year. You know who you are.
I came away from my initial viewing of The Tatami Galaxy feeling like my pressure cooker had been vented. That for a brief moment, I could make some kind of peace with how my college life had shaken out. It wasn’t great, it wasn’t “rose colored”, but it was something.
In the years since then, it’s been difficult to stray away from the “redo” line of thinking. A lot of time had to pass and I had to do a lot of internal work to get where I am now.
Returning to the series in a similarly dark room, but not nearly as small, I felt like I was having an extended flashback to those painful days. I binged the series in one sitting. There was a point where I thought of stopping and splitting up my viewings. It was dredging up incredibly raw feelings, but I’m glad I stuck through it. My mood would have been destroyed for a few days if I hadn’t. Upon finishing it, I felt that sense of catharsis once again. It was a reminder that my past was just that. If I mull it over that much again, I might as well be the series’ protagonist. Running through the “what if’s” so much that eventually I’m trapped in a universe of them.
Drawing on the same feelings Eva and Thrice Upon a Time do, The Tatami Galaxy is a series I kind of want to revisit in something more long form. However, as it treads significantly more tender ground for me, there’s a good chance I won’t. Even though I have some pretty extensive notes from my rewatch.
In December, I’m looking forward to seeing my close friends from college for New Years. We’re all boosted, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t a bit worried about making the trip. At the start of the month, a Hazel Video drops, extensively discussing Tenchi Universe. I have some faint familiarity with Tenchi Muyo, having seen some of it on Toonami as a lad. My memory is super hazy though. I can vaguely remember an OVA episode where Washu watches over Tenchi’s baby cousin.
Following the video’s release, I talked with Dylan about it while recording an episode of Dude, You Remember Macross. From previous conversations, I knew that that Tenchi Universe was a foundational anime for him. Hazel’s video led me to search out the most recent DVD release, but Dylan’s excitement at my growing interest in Tenchi was the nudge that set me over the edge. Even if he stans low tier scrubs named Ayeka. This is is a Miho Kiyo household.
My first impression of Tenchi Universe was slightly lukewarm. The opening minutes of the first episode felt very standard in the realm of 90’s anime hijinks. Space girl crashes, the nonsense machine drums up, you’ve heard this story. This opening is deceiving, as it soon becomes a warm and homey experience. Man, that space girl makes way for an incredibly memorable cast of characters.
A scummy space pirate, her cat spaceship, a snooty princess, her kid sister, a mad scientist, a walking disaster, her partner, and a regular, down to earth kid come together to form this quirky found family. Our time with the family became less about any kind of story. In fact, there was no need for it. Rather, it was about them just living their lives and spending time together. It wasn’t doing anything amazing. It’s just the normal day to day of employment, house work, and coming home for dinner.
When the story does encroach on the family, they actively run away from it. Until they have to actually confront it, which they face together. More than the space opera or any kind of harem thematics, Tenchi Universe is about the quiet moments you spend with those who come into your life and grow to love you for who you are. Even if the world around you becomes incredibly loud. That is the kind of stuff I am in love with.
If it’s not blatantly obvious, I found myself gravitating towards media that reflects my year of soul searching and the amazing people I have in my life. I’ve been blessed with wonderful friends. As I felt at the end of last year, I have a feeling that we have another tough year ahead. However, this year gave me greater hope that we can band together to make the next one at least a little more bearable, if not better.
Thank you, all.
